Thursday, June 01, 2006

a very long week

Venus Under Water by Ann Marie
Call me superstitious, maybe it is that I really am, but when I don't write here I am waiting waiting and well yes, trying to sort things out.... it has been a long week that way.

Turmoil they call it where big words are being used.

My marriage seems so over and I feel sadness.

And compassion. Nic has been very nice yet sometimes when I am here at home - it still is my home - he wants and needs to be alone and me too.

Yes and today I am seeing Marc at long last. Because I can now. I am free - yeah, love lost, such a cost, gimme things that don't get lost.

And that I do not lose my children's trust.

I am and I am not a bad mom. I want to be happy and believe they will be happier too.

Because joy was born here, out of very little, and it wants out.

If you are reading this my friends, I will have more to say soon.


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Tuesday, May 23, 2006

buyin' time, a second at a time.

beachy bright mixed media by ann marie simard
"My heart my heart, I've got to keep my heart, it's not too late it's not too late I've got to keep my heart"

Yes and I really have to, because if you ask my head it will just speak gibberish and contradict itself.

Neighbor boy is awol but I think I know why and it is not me. I almost fear that I forget. As Antonia once said, "Feelings cannot be remembered.". True for a while. It is lucky that they usually come back. Anyway. It is too calm here now. And the muse has gone awol too, maybe for the same reason.

No news. You can feel and touch the silence. I miss that and those emails. It's like not being able to write any more. So I am just buyin' time, a second at a time. Maybe I will need it later.

Addendum - Maybe I do - right after writing this - mail. Nice. Good.


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Friday, May 19, 2006

No Martinis Friday?

faded id abstract by ann marie simard
Hi friendies here....

My blogoscope at poetic justice was mean!!! And it is Martini Friday, yet I do not feeling {yet???} like having one. It is early anyway. I feel like a tired party girl who left her best dress on, yet there is still work to do. New plans starting designing these templates more seriously, because art is just not paying off, or so little it is ludicrous.

My interesting life? Hmm, where did that go? Guilt just swallowed a big chunk of it even if I tried to strike back. Are we there yet? No, I don't think so. Having sad negs with my husband who is understandably feeling bad. I'd be too. But you just can't cast away your life, someone always gets hurt by our feelings and choices.

And once again, life is mostly a balancing act. I want to keep my new love and hurt people as little as humanly possible. Yeah, it is jewels and dust.


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Thursday, May 18, 2006

absent-minded blogger - in love

Hi friends! I have been a baddie. I have not been keeping time. Sometimes it is hard to know, even for myself, where I have been, at which blog and out of them. This is not a bloggie time. There is so much to live for and so much to give. So I've been doing just that. Sorry for no visits, etc.

I'm in love again. Yes, it is that simple, yet it is slow, because I need to figure things out little by little. It is reciprocal all the way and in every way - miracula. My head is singing in choir with my heart. Yes, it is that serious, this illness I did not think I'd catch again.

I'm in love with the neighbor boy
{42 but a boy}. There is a lot of discussions about everything. He talks as much as I do. He has two kids too. And has lived on four continents - one more than I have! And he lives across the street. There really is some hope that things will be easier now with everything. Including living arrangements with the children. They can even stay at their home if they want to. This is not saying it is going to be easy on them, or me, or anyone.

Maybe that was the thing with the previous post. I just knew some things were going to change, that for once I did not have to be the changing force. Now someone else is driving.

Have a GREAT Thursday!!!!

Ann Marie

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Thursday, May 11, 2006

jewels and dust

garden abstract artJewels of the springtime, all the trees are in flower, and it is oh so relative, like everything else... there is always dust on the shiniest floor and mirror when the light hits them.

I have stopped wanting things.

Call that laziness, call it that idiotic idiom "go with the flow", but things seem to be coming when you do not expect them.

When life lights up and lightens up, as if someone had switched on the lights... I feel so much younger than several weeks ago. That was a change of heart. I decided it is going to be okay. I decided it will change by itself, just stop watching the same film where you are just a spectator. And. The outside is changing too. I have stopped hating Canada so much versus Europe. It was just me - and this nowhere town. There is no furious questioning about future.

It is just that - all relative, jewels and dust.


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Wednesday, May 10, 2006

oh well I did meet someone...

tree abstractThis is how it goes. You think you are over with 'em guys, You don't give a fuck, and maybe two weeks after the strangest thing arrives on your buggy plate of life.

Not a fly.

I was filling up at the gas station - for what it is worth - and there goes a guy hugging a Christmas tree calling me up. And I turn. He says "Anna". I go - "M... " - with his last name... and think "this is not real this is not really happening" like Tori Amos, it was a long time ago. After all, why should you meet someone interesting but who never came to that African farewell party... ten years after, living across the street? Go figure. I do not know. He was shining in that crowded place. "I wonder why..."

Anyway it is getting interesting. At least something to look forward to. No expectations. The email exchange {maybe 8 back-and-forths just today} was interesting. He is kind. He is not playing hide-and-seek. That was fun when I did not know what I wanted. But. Now. Indifference here - to hell with all that. And that guy there - Mystery games and fake soulmates, and double takes, just the same.

And my marriage, you say? Just the same. I have been tryin' {"back the tears...
"}.for two years, very hard and for four years, trying hard enough. Talk about the kiddies, talk about work, I am not instantly dying but I do expect better from life, because I cannot, will not, and certainly should not "settle for less". I always thought there'd be a neigbor boy. I've written songs about that. The glorious, easy casual way.

But as I say - I may be superstitious - and now who knows who is reading this - I mean not BE nor tagged or linked friendies - I'm still here, not making any dumb efforts and ... just kinda peace, without the grass.

Welcome Meg, Scott, Jason, Sandra, shmamber if you are reading this ...

... this is not always funny but it is my life!


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watering the inner botanical garden

waterDoing what? I have been painting a lot lately and it seems to yield more pure joy than writing alone. Writing is often a dry, grey-matter activity whereas visual arts give more water to the inner botanical garden and seem to shape that landscape in a different way. So let's just say I am gardening.
What has happened lately? I ran into an old friend ten years after at the nearby gas station. The last time I saw him was in South Africa and I had to make a double take when he called me by an old nickname.
What is that nickname? I am not sure I should say. It is Anna. It has something to do with my full birth name. But sounds a bit pollyannaish.
Was that fun? YES! He is a sweetie. A very intelligent man in his early forties - I'd guess. He just emailed me.
Are you going out with him? Yes, but not in that "going out" sense.
What else?Scott said I should take a second mortgage. I am against them. But he is very sweet and kind.
But if you link to Scott he will find the diary! Yes. It means he can come 'round.
And family matters - do they matter? I am not thinking about it much. Kids are sweet and Nick is not so irritable these days.
That sounds more like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the writing contest was totally from hell.
Do you want to talk about it? Well someone bugged me a lot and that is against the rules! I mean, saying that THIS person should get the credits and not the person right below. That is disagreeing with my judgment and I disliked the tone and copying others in emails directed to me. Grr..
Can't you just get over it? Yes. I have. Now back to artwork! I want to make abstract trees and flowers!


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